I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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