I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
When are your genitals available?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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