D3 body, D1 cock
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
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Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.