The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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