The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
