What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
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