so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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