News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize