i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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