Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
