You just made me feel so damn special
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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