yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
