I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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