Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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