Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
