i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
