Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
