I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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