Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
