You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
