Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
