awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
