so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
