So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
