what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
