Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
