someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.