The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
