guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
try to milk me bitch
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