I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
pray to the hookup gods
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
