I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
