Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
