i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
50% drunk capacity currently
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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