as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We had sex on a dog bed..
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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