Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
