Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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