I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
