the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
