My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
