just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
