I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
