The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
