Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
