I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize