I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My hand turned me down
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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