Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
