my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize
