i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
