Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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