i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
