dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
