you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
she told me i tasted like america
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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