I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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