'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
