i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Randomize