I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
