i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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